The “I” List
- I currently live in Tokyo, Japan.
- I love chocolate.
- I have lived on four continents, a dozen countries and more houses than I care to remember.
- I have been sharing my living space with roommates or significant others ever since I was fifteen.
- I was practically a vegetarian for many years. Mostly out of dietary habit.
- Gave that up completely upon moving from the very veggie-friendly city of San Francisco, to the very veggie-unfriendly country of Japan.
- I am currently happily omnivorous.
- I don’t like seafood, though.
- Out of politeness, I will (and did) eat practically anything.
- Practically anything has included, among many things: baby wasp larvae, locust and natto.
- I am a cat person.
- I do not anthropomorphise my cats by trying to give human-centric explanations to behaviours that can perfectly well be explained by simple animal instincts to stay warm and well-fed.
- I have no issues, however, doing exactly that for my computer.
- I once worked as a bartender in a Tokyo strip-club.
- I have graced the cube farms of a few prominent Bay Area tech companies.
- I’ll let you guess at which job I witnessed the highest amount of whoring-out and outright seediness.
- Of my years as code-monkey and pseudo-cool-boy-software-whizzkid, I have only retained a profound contempt for corporations and their management personnel.
- I have five given names on my passport(s).
- Yes, I have grown tired of having to explain to incredulous immigration officers that my parents just couldn’t decide.
- My real first name is actually David-Alexander (hyphenated).
- Nobody has called me that ever since fourth-grade.
- Even my parents renounced pretty early on.
- My least favorite ice-breaker: “So, where are you from?”
- My favorite ice-breaker: “So, you like kicking puppies in your spare time too?”
- I have been known to make up very stupid answers to generic getting-to-know-you questions at parties.
- Even more so when drunk/high.
- Even more so when talking to drunk/high people.
- “Florence Nightingale” and “Adult Movie Director” have been two of my most common straight-faced answers.
- This habit has so far resulted in a few people addressing me as “Florence” every time they saw me and two people inquiring in all seriousness about job prospects,
- I can order a gin-tonic with lime and compliment the bartender on its taste in five languages.
- That would be seven, if I knew how to say gin in Latin and Ancient Greek.
- I am strongly political, yet have long come to understand that arguing about politics is about as pointless as arguing about religions (probably because politics is religion for lots of people).
- If anything, my position on most matters could be described as a very personal mix of economic liberalism, radical socialism and some tiny amount of libertarianism when it comes to civil liberties: let’s just say I am lucky I am not living in 1950’s America.
- In my personal 9th circle of hell you probably would find, along with the usual suspects, the likes of Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney and Margaret Thatcher (if you just pointed out that not all these people are dead, you need to take a closer look next time their body shows up on TV).
- I do not consider myself affiliated to any given political party. If I was, it doubtlessly would be considered left of center in your country.
- Ways to make me seriously dislike you include displays of racism, homophobia, fratboy machismo and overall any sort of attempt at compensating for a small dick.
- Other than that, I’m a pretty friendly guy and very outgoing with strangers…
- Although I went to catholic boarding school, I am neither strongly anti-religious, nor into organised religions at all.
- But I certainly know that bible book better than you do, so you probably ought not to use it on me.
- I you really had to stick a label on my beliefs, I guess you could call me agnostic with some interest in non-mystical buddhism.
- I got married at Graceland chapel, Las Vegas, with six of my best friends present.
- The hour was 6:30am. The day was Sunday, on my 21st birthday.
- Yes, a whole week-end of miscellaneous substance abuse was involved. No, it wasn’t the reason we did get married in the first place.
- We only got an official divorce two years later, mostly for administrative reasons.
- I went to Burning Man before you knew it existed.
- I attended Burning Man three times, never two years in a row.
- I do not, in fact, take any pride in the above two items. Really, I don’t.
- I did, however, feel a few tingles of sadness the day Burning Man t-shirts went on sale on the official website.
- From past experience, I do believe it is the fate of every community to eventually join the mainstream or die.
- I do not think this is a good thing, nor a bad thing.
- In many occasions, I have found myself in places and times that have been thereafter labeled of “historical significance”.
- I am neither to blame nor to praise for being there: 90% serendipity, 10% curiosity are the only reasons I ever was where I was at the moment.
- I am acutely aware of the deeply laughable aspect of the term “historical significance”, in the grand scheme of things, when attached to events and trends of the past two decades.
- I have a deep-rooted phobia of needles.
- My fear of needles is much stronger than any fear I may have of chicken pox, polio, diphtheria or any disease for which I have successfully avoided all mandatory “booster” shots for an ongoing 15 years now.
- I am not very interested in attempts at fitting sexual orientations into neat categories.
- Although I am convinced sexual orientations are much more fluid than what most people would want to believe.
- I probably rate a 1 on the Kinsey scale (ok: 1.5 if David Bowie counts).
- I believe that true feelings of love between two consenting adults, regardless of their sexual orientation, should prompt respect and appreciation, If anything.
- I have many vices but no addiction.
- I rarely drink coffee, hardly ever smoke cigarettes.
- I have been known to drink Bloody Marys on random mornings, for no other reason than because I felt like it.
- I have been known to go weeks or months without a drop of alcohol, for no other reason than because I didn’t feel like it.
- I have tried at one point or another in my life, most common psychoactive substances, as well as some not so common ones.
- I am highly circumspect of most pharmaceutical drugs and do not ever take any unless absolutely mandatory.
- Feigned, fictitious or possibly real mental alienations of mine: bipolar disorders, attention deficit disorder, mild paranoia and seasonal affective disorders. All of them proudly unmedicated.
- I am of average height in Europe, short in the US and slightly above the current Japanese average (which probably won’t last more than a generation if they keep drinking milk like they do).
- The two principal phenotypes I have inherited from my mother are a particularly white skin and a propension not to put up a single pound, regardless of what I eat.
- Yes, I am, indeed, a skinny white boy.
- Ironically, I was born on a remote tropical island near Africa, mostly by accident.
- Major natural phenomena I have so far witnessed: major earthquakes (> 6 on the Richter Scale), typhoons, tropical cyclones, floods, volcanic eruption.
- I tend to like nice clothes and usually pay close attention to my own appearance and clothing, but loath people who judge character on such criteria.
- I would spend months’ worth of rent at once on nice pairs of Italian shoes at a point in my life.
- I do not do that any more. But still have all the shoes.
- I like nice suits and own a few very fine custom-made ones.
- I make a point of ignoring all dress-codes and only wear a suit when not required to.
- I think prominent luxury brands on items of clothing or other objects are extremely tacky.
- I am not overly fond of denims. I hate khakis. Polo shirts give me hives.
- I have practised Judo, Jujitsu and a few other martial arts for many years.
- I am very much non-violent.
- I do exercise, for about half an hour, every single morning.
- I am a full-fledged music nerd. To the point of making any music-related excursion in my company highly irritating for more casual appreciators.
- I easily own over 2000 “vinyl” records, a few hundreds (legal) CDs and just too many gigabytes of digital music files to count them.
- I can recognise any of the track I own, from the first two or three beats alone.
- I do say “record” to designate about any physical music medium. I pronounce it “rekhid”.
- Any piece of music, regardless of genre, length and medium, is a “track”.
- I listen to any musical genre and like all sorts of music, save for the extremely untalented and blatantly commercial.
- “Any musical genre” includes obscure classical chamber music, Italian opera, old-school hip-hop, insanely trippy acid house and Leonard Cohen.
- Extremely untalented usually includes stuff so bad that it needs to be looped to exhaustion through every available mainstream media outlet until it hypnotises anybody into paying for it.
- As a matter of fact, blatantly commercial stuff also fits that definition.
- Although I am a mediocre instrument player, I have absolute hearing and can usually pinpoint a note half-a-tone off in a track without paying attention.
- Things I really need to be somewhat sober to do well: find directions, beatmatch, write code.
- Things I can do all the same, if not better, when seriously altered: type on a keyboard, dance, play the piano, discuss metaphysics, speak foreign languages, bartend.
- I have two tattoos, no piercing (cf needlephobia, above).
- Beside my taste for reading, I have an irrational love of books and physically can’t stand people who write notes on them or tear off corners.
- I sometimes fake forgetfulness to hide my freakishly good memory of conversations and situations.
- Things I can never remember: any abstract numbers… phone numbers, zip codes, birth dates, street addresses. Including my own and those I’ve been using near-daily for many years.
- Things I remember effortlessly: entire book chapters, movie dialogs, the names of most of my first-grade schoolmates.
- I suck at lists.
Ahh, I think i tried to make an ascii heart but you’re site recognized it as html?
Here’s the rest of the message:
You sound like a really interesting guy who’s both humble yet has done a looooot of amazing stuff. And yes, I am trying to flirt with you [imagine a big juicy heart here]
Do you have any advice for a relatively young man in Tokyo for the first time?
Dan
Dan
Thanks for kind comment and, erm, juicy heart… very flattered.
There is indeed very little worth doing in Roppongi these days. Even more so than when that entry was written, I reckon. Twice more so, for a “relatively young man” who might be looking for other such young men.
In that specific area, I guess a run to Shinjuku Ni-Chome might be of some interest to you. I am no specialist and have only been a couple times with friends (very long ago), so I can’t give you very up-to-date detailed tips, but I know “Advocate” is always a good place to start (and very welcoming to foreigners). From there, I’m sure a charming young man like yourself won’t have any trouble getting tipped on to whatever hip place du jour there is to be enjoyed. The places I went to were pretty easy-going and fairly mixed, but I’m sure there’s a large array of more dedicated bars and clubs to be found too.
Other than that, my only advice would be to just wander around with an open mind and enjoy the moment. Crazy things tend to happen easily in the streets of Tokyo. Try to check out random izakaias in busy neighbourhoods, as well as the parks (even at night, there are usually tons of people hanging out there in the Summer). Also Matsuri season soon too, pick up a jimbe and a beer and walk around whichever neighbourhood celebrates its matsuri on any given week-end of the upcoming two months…
Anyway, good luck and have fun!
Lol, ok, maybe I came on too strong with the suggestive jokes. By
young I meant 22, still in college, and feeling a bit overwhelmed by
the huge city. And to be honest I’d rather find a nice down to earth
girl (or several) to hang out with. Sorry for the confusion!
So me and my friends wandered around Roppongi, were accosted by about
50 different Africans to enter their “titty bar”. We ended up doing
Karoke instead, singing some chilli peppers, guns ‘n roses, and goo
goo dolls.
And I had one last question for you, if you don’t mind. Are the
Japanese pretty friendly if you approach as a stranger? I get the
feeling that people don’t want to be disturbed (more so than I’m used
to in Canada). Most people back home are pretty open to starting a conversation in just about any situation, but I get the impression that people aren’t very open to that here. Should I just go for it and hope I find a decent
person?
Thanks, I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.
I’ll try reading again, in an altered state.
Gin is my poison of choice as well. I have a latin phrase book, I’ll let you know if I can figure out how to order a G&T in latin.
Hmm, why do I have a latin phrase book? Because English can be so boring. I use them in my signature file in my work email.
Jan
This was awesome! Man, I wish I knew you when you lived in Japan.
hey dave,
you are indeed an unknown genius. i just downloaded one of your mixes and my god, it is just the way good music should be. you know those moments, when you to a club (good clubs are quite rare these day anyhow) and the dj start out great followed by two to three savage tracks… then suddently, i get the impression that the dj just does not have the tracks to fill up an entire night. but you mix man, is just the way it should be! many congratulation man! i have bookmarked you site for sure 😉
cheers from vienna,
p.
hey unknowngenius, thank you very much for sharing such a big part of you! you’ve been bringing so many laughters, values and grace (even to somewhere you dont notice). you’re a nice person too. –@春分
Is this my cousin originally from Nebraska?? Gotta tell you this sounds just like him…even the funnies.
finally had some time to read your hilarious list 😉 see you soon
WOW I love item 70: “mostly by accident” 🙂
stay save Joachim
Loving the the Dave website…. Just discovered it
here at Safeway in Hawaii…..
Dan Devine / Hawaii
PS Notify me…
I want to publish a wordpress site and am interested in the pulgin for the quotes at the top of your pages. Any help is appreciated. Also, I grabbed Dave’s Spam Karma 2.
Thanks,
Ron
Dear Dave,
Loving your blog but I’m having some glitch’s on my end… . some how I have 2 address’s
in that dam window so I’m working on it… Keep up the great work and keep’em coming
Aloha from Hawaii
dan_devine2002@yahoo.com
You are too clever by half. Fell upon your blog looking for info on basil. Was having a rather bleak day & was instantly quite amused. Thanks
WoW! Dave…99 descriptions of youself…what is 100 going to be? Countdown back to #1? Joking, just trying to b smart…pretty frank blog! How did I stumbled here???
Cheers
i love your blog! and I like you 🙂 have a great day!
Phew, Dave! Not sure what I could possibly say…
Take it easy.
Andrew
Hi Dave,
Hope you are having a fab time… love the site.
I was directed to your site through Spam thing…
I’ve only just realised that it holds comments in it… i’m stupid! I’ve looked into the settings but can’t work it out… but i am happy to have all comments posted on my blog i thought it was already set to do that. I pressed recover in the spam harvest thinking it would put them on my blog but now they’ve disappeared.
Is there anyway it recover all the spam comments and have them on my blog… was a little sad i had only had 4 comments after such a long time travelling. Just arrived back in London after 14months away and 28 countries… unfortunately i got a little bored back in Mexico but i plan to catch up!!
let me know what i need to do so that all the comments that are written are displayed and not sent to spam…if this is possible.
cheers lisa
Hi Dave,
Nice to meet you. Got here after a bunch of hours of infinite semiosis caused by procrastination (obviously)…and trying not to think about my MA thesis. Thus it just shouldn’t surprise you I had time to read ALL 99 points. What actually surprised me, was that I enjoyed them to such a Degree (that it’s a degree with capital d), I registered here only to post the foregoing…and the following.
As I see you’ve been writing for some time now and I’m sure that some of the guys who read your blog regularly, could have already given you a hint about your witty style, still, as I’m new here just give me a chance to do this too.
Enjoyed it a lot.
Read you soon
Aldona
I like you blog, i followed Spam karma and I’m happy I did.
you inspire a lot , keep writing
And this is the best introduction about you
Cynical, sarcastic humor 🙂
Dear Dave,
I feel connected. Thank you for you Insight. I never thought I’d find a person like you. Especially not over the Internet. I Would have many questions for you. But if you are who I subjectively interpret you to be I understand if you cannot be bothered. I haven’t read your blogs. I stumbled upon the “News from the Empire”.
Then I found this list. Now I feel better. Why is my email required? It gives me a tingling sensation of the false hope I might get email from you, which I do not deny I try to evoke by this statement. :/
Now I feel pathetic. C’est la vie I guess.
Finding/Reading this list was One answer itself though. Peculiarly enough an answer to a question to someone I haven’t met yet, couldn’t possibly have imagined to ever meet and/or wasn’t even aware of the need to ask that someone the questions that now arise in me. C’est la vie again. In a much more positively meant way. Excuse my terrible style of writing, I hope my approach to salute you is not freaking you out in any way.
thgin doog dna ris dink ouy ot sknaht ym ,niaga ,ecilA fo serutnevdA eht ot leuqes a fo ecnetsixe eht saw em ot nwonknu rof noisulcnoc ni leef i yllis ,suht
Dear Dave,
So I was googling “The most fucked up war in history” and found your post “Tempora horribilia”. I truly like your writing style and was amazed how knowledgeable you are in World History. After reading your post, and right before I closed the browser, I became curious of the writer and stumbled upon your “99” list. And again I was amazed, because this is probably the perfect list to describe a “Third Culture Kid”. I may be wrong, but I think so, because I’m a 4 language speaker, unfamiliar with my native country and can relate with numbers of your characteristics; especially no 96. Anyhow, I haven’t read the rest of your blogs, but would like to thank you because it was delightful reading your “99” list and plan to read more of your blog. Have fun in Kyoto and all the best!
dunia
Indonesian speaking english, mandarin, soon russian, lived in berlin, jakarta, beijing, san francisco and tashkent.
Dave, just wanted you to know that it is 6/11/2015 and I’m still using Spam Karma 2 on my blog even though you stopped development oh so long ago. Still works better than other options. I tried turning it off and using the default WordPress spam filter. Thanks for doing what you did. Good job.