Tonight: Mango Chutney Pork Chops and Squirrel Melba

I did promise you we would resume our Recipe Monday series, didn’t I?

I know. I am one week late. Some people have written to complain that my instruction to stash in advance on the main ingredient had caused a few problems with their spouse and neighbours. some petty matter of smell or something.

In order to make up for that, it is not one, but TWO recipes, that I shall bestow on my eagerly awaiting cooking public this time.

Tonight, we will be making a complete luxury meal, starting simply with a Pork Chops in Mango Chutney & Ginger Sauce, merely there to lay the groundwork for a scrumptious Squirrel Melba in Champagne Sauce.

Let’s get the more ordinary dish out of the way first, shall we?

Pork Chops in Mango Chutney & Ginger Sauce

  1. For those of you who bravely followed our advice in the past, you might still have some of that mango chutney left from a previous recipe. Good. Take it out and pour it all in a bowl.
  2. Now add about half a glass of orange juice.
  3. Finely grind and add the equivalent of a spoonful of fresh ginger. If tonight’s a special night with your special someone, triple the ginger dosage, add some yohimbine and guarana and make your move just after you’ve finished the Squirrel Melba: she/he/it/they just won’t be able to resist your raw sexual energy…
  4. Some cilantro, bit of curry powder (or any strong spice you may have handy)…
  5. Oh yea, Dijon mustard too if you have
  6. While doing all of the above, you also sprinkled salt and pepper on the pork chops and started cooking them on hot oil. They should be fine by now: remove the chops and pour out most of the grease, but do not clean the pan!
  7. Pour the brew into the pan and deglaze (cf. cooking notes here). Personally, I use white wine, but that’s mainly because I don’t trust tap water around here (I’d rather drink my bleach undiluted).
  8. When the mixture has decreased in volume by about a half, pour on the chops and serve with rice.
  9. Enjoy.

Now time for some real cooking:

Squirrel Melba in a Champagne Sauce

Despite its reputation as a tough dish, only to be attempted by confirmed cooks, the squirrel melba is in fact blindingly easy to prepare. The only major hurdle in the preparation would be the gathering of ingredients, and even that, with a bit of organisation and methodology, isn’t as difficult as one may think.

Of course, I did recommend you plan in advance, and by now you should already have at least a few carefully peeled medium-size squirrels ready for cooking… But, I know how it is: one gets caught up in mundane day-to-day tasks, it’s easy to rely on last minute shopping until you realize that most grocery stores outside of Kentucky nowadays just do not carry quality squirrels fit for consumption any more. I know: ’tis a sad fact, the slow disappearance of centuries of traditional cooking.

Anyway, unprepared readers fear not, here are a few tips to help you seamlessly gather about ten servings in a timely manner.

The squirrel is a cheeky little fellow, quite hard to catch with bare hands under normal conditions. Which is why we are going to use some special cooking tricks. Basically, and by order of preference, here are your different options:

  1. Nail gun: the bastard is fast, but not faster than a fast-travelling 2 incher. Wait, adjust, shoot, and in no time your complete desert set will be nailed neatly to a tree, ready for some hot cooking!
  2. Train your cat: after all, squirrels are little more than furry rats. This concept can very easily be imparted on your cat through efficient dieting and some pavlovian conditioning involving acorns and electrical shocks. Just make sure beforehand that your cat is not afraid of heights.
  3. Champagne: this might actually be the easiest way. And we’ll need the champagne anyway. Bait them with cheap bubbly. Wait until the squirrels appear sufficiently incapacitated by the alcohol intake, and use any blunt object or long pole to do the work. Note: avoid my mistake. Do not take upon yourself to empty a few bottles in order to use them as projectiles. It just doesn’t work if you are as drunk as the squirrel: he still seems to keep the speed advantage.

Got the squirrels? Good.

At this point, and if you used any method other than 3) above, you might want to start feeding them the champagne. Provide straws if necessary.

The peeling doesn’t present any particular difficulty. That part of the process being particularly painful for the rodent, though, we strongly advise you chop off their arms beforehand, in order to limit any sanitary risk through scratching.

Once peeled and sliced, throw in a few scoops of ice-cream, some seasonal red fruits and scatter a few hazelnuts to create a theme.

Serve fresh with a nice Muscadet and cream on the side.

Note: should you fail to gather some ingredients, you might want to go with Neuro’s own desert suggestion for the week. Unfortunately very conventional, but probably easier to prepare.

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