The trend in modern sexually-repressed conservative america these days, is to brainwash teenagers into proudly pledging abstinence, vowing to preserve their precious virginity for that special day where they’ll tie the knot… or get invited by the priest to join one of his exclusive, altar-boys-only, mass after-party…

In effect, promising to keep doing what they’d be doing anyway. That is: not getting any, for the entire duration of their ungrateful puberty phase.

After all, they are only following official government policy regarding “abstinence as the only viable way to prevent STDs“.

Well the bad news for the proud virgins is that, on top of not getting laid, they do catch sexually-transmitted diseases, as shown by a recent study of the sex lives of 12,000 US adolescents .

How can you catch an STD while — allegedly — not having sex?

Well, that’s the miracle of statistics (and hypocritical bigotry):

The data was gathered from young people aged 12 to 18 who were questioned again six years later.

According to the study, the STD rates were:

Whites who pledged virginity 2.8% - did not 3.5%

Blacks: pledgers 18.1% - non-pledgers 20.3%

Asians: pledgers 10.5% - non-pledgers 5.6%

Hispanics: pledgers 6.7% - non-pledgers 8.6%

The study’s authors say that from a statistical point of view, the rates are the same for both groups.

Source: BBC News, World Edition

The explanation for these numbers does not take a genius or a statistician to figure out:

A good number of those teenager who had hastily claimed they’d never consider doing such icky sticky things, must have quickly changed their mind, once the acne wore out and they found out they actually could get a date… And when it got there, I guess it was too late to consider trading Sunday School for Sex-Ed…

Hence proving once more what most experts have been saying all along: shunning sex-ed in favor of abstinence campaigns is not only gonna produce more morbidly stuck-up conservative morons, it will also help spreading AIDS and other STDs.

… when you have that.

OK. Granted making fun of hardcore literal-minded christians is like shooting fish in a holy water font. Especially the kind who do not mind using the word “wicked” in its non-second-degree, we’ll-burn-you-to-the-stake, medieval acception, while keeping a straight face.

But nonetheless, it’s refreshing to know that there are people out there with real concerns about the direction things are going in this world and the soul of these “poor unsaved Asian people”.

And by the way, which country do you think has the highest statistics for murders, robberies, violent crimes and other nasty things most definitely reproved by the official christian rules book and by any decent gentleman in general? And in what segment of this population can we find the most vociferous proponents of unregulated gun ownership?

Yea, that’s what I thought too.

If I hear one more mashed-up xmas carols mix-cd, I’m gonna puke all over your freakin’ hello-kitty-decorated christmas trees, OK?

Ah Joy of Christmas, this long awaited time of peace, harmony and crass commercialism…

But let’s not get overly negative. After all, I’ll take pachinko employees flyering in zebra-print santa uniforms any day over Walmart’s cheap plastic dancing santas and nauseating hallmark cards. And talking about Wal-Mart, I still have a hard time getting over this stupid news bit relating that walmart christmas sale’s stampede, about a week ago. Though the woman supposedly “badly injured” apparently turns out to be a serial-faker, I don’t think I could imagine a more degrading story to go with an injury. God: I’d sooner tell the medics how I accidentally burnt my nuts in a freak late-night naked arc-welding accident, rather than having to tell how I got trampled by a herd of middle-aged obese Floridian housewives while clutching at some discounted taiwanese DVD player, lying on the floor of the local walmart.

Well, according to the news, she recovered quickly and the gentle employees at walmart kept her one of the coveted discounted DVD player. I guess we all get the kind of heartwarming christmas stories we deserve…

In a time where straight-face conservatism and orwellian parody seem to take inspiration from each other, it’s hard to tell… But I think this one is an authentic:
Have some real psychopatriotic ice-cream: StarsSpangledIceCream.com
(plucked freshly from Mark Morford’s hilariously semi-coherent weekly word avalanche)

Since I now host an install of MT on my own servers, I offered my friend David R., a Frenchman who lives in SF, to set him up with his own blog (link removed: blog taken offline), knowing he would certainly have interesting things to say.
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I bet with the appropriate facial tribal tatoos, a few piercings and this, I would never get noise complaints from potential neighbours ever again in my life…

MM’s related article is a pretty cool reading too.