Breaking with that old personal habit of favouring vices over addiction, I decided today that it was high time to resume heavy drug use for a while. And since methamphetamine is so damn expensive round here, I naturally turned to the second best option: Caffeine.

The deal is: I never drink coffee. Or hardly ever. Save for the odd cup or two when meeting people in a coffeeshop (and that’s only because the local Starbucks employees still refuses to this day to serve me Mojitos, even when I am ready to bring my own bottle of Rum). But coffee in the morning (i.e.: before 8pm) is a rarity.

Because of my complete non-addiction to caffeine, and since I still have my old hardcore coffee drinker habits, dosage-wise, those rare instances where I fix myself a cup usually result in uncontrollable twitching and borderline dizziness for most of the day.

But, provided I manage to stay within reasonable quantities (e.g.: the kind of distilled panda piss you get served at the aforementioned ubiquitous coffeehouse chain): What. A. Ride!

We tend to forget too easily how serious a drug caffeine is. Then again, so is tobacco (and so is crack cocaine for that matter, but that one’s harder to forget): but in terms of enjoyable side-effects vs. pure dependency, nicotine is not such a great deal… I mean, half-a-pack at once, for a non-smoker, might manage to yield a small high, but I would hardly call that worth the effort. Perhaps injection is a solution there, but I really don’t like needles. Plus I don’t really need relaxing right now, I need motivating and stimulating.

See, for the past two or three months now, I have been working exclusively from home, with merely the occasional work meeting and, of course, the attendance to diverse drink-oriented social events. But for the most part, I spend all my days sitting in front of a monitor, or over some very depressing sheets of paper covered in undecipherable squiggles (of the mathematic or japanese complexion). This forced immobility puts me in an odd mix of apathy and antsiness: I end up doing much less than I should be doing (work-wise), but get twice more frustrated at the fact I cannot even move around or interact with more of the world than my damn desk or through the freaking internet.

In short: I feel permanently frustrated.

Not that I haven’t been fighting it, any way I can: Hell, I even resumed my semi-regular morning run last month. And of all physical activities, there’s not a single one I hate more than running. In fact, last time I was found running was probably six years ago. and the five Soho skinheads that raced me for a dozen blocks (ostensibly to ask if I wanted to join for a game of baseball, judging by their equipment, though I didn’t deem it essential to stop and ask) probably had a lot to do with this sudden bout of enthusiasm for the activity.

Hence, coffee.

No plan on keeping this new addiction fad past a month or two, mind you. Once I’ll have successfully conned my way into some sorts of degree loosely related to my alleged knowledge of mathematics and quantum mechanics, sometime next June, I see no reason to keep with the stimulants. Particularly since I won’t have much dopamine receptors left by then (that’s what happen when you start drinking coffee every day, people), which kinds of defeat the purpose of trying to artificially tickle them.

But for the time being, I think that’s the best way to ensure I ultimately don’t spend the next two months developing acute cabin fever when I’m supposed to write the novel of the century (something along that line… at least if you replace “storyline” by “pseudo-science bullshitting” and “character development” by “equation development”)…

And because I have a rather twisted conception of health maintenance, I have decided it was time to go on an alcohol break. Figured that if I was gonna go after my stomach lining, I might as well give a break to the liver. Not to mention that I could certainly use the few extra neurons over these next two months.

Following this announcement, Bombay Gin Distilleries and Kirin Corporation have both downgraded their quarterly earning forecasts, but with a bit of luck, I will be back and ready to help with the liquidation of their surplus, before the end of the Summer. Hang in there folks, I won’t let you down!

And for my fellow bar-hopping 12-step escapees, fear not: I won’t abandon you…

I might have to bring a thermos with me next time we go out, though…