Hon’ does my left tit really look smaller to you?

A while back, Jeremy, at Antipixel, commented on the deceitfully symmetrical appearance of the human body after stumbling upon the frightening realization that he was a freak of nature whose eyes and ears were both uneven.

His findings on feet sizes are perfectly accurate too: as any shoe store clerk will gladly confirm, it is no secret that practically everyone has got one foot a tad bigger than the other. It took me many years to finally remember how crucial it is that I try both shoes before buying, no matter how great the right side fits. My left foot’s big toe, permanently traumatized by years of dancing in undersized sneakers, is a sore reminder of the dangers of impulsive shopping.

Jeremy is too much of a gentleman to allude to another famous occurrence of body asymmetry. One that only members of the feminine gent usually worry about (although they certainly shouldn’t: I think it’s awfully cute).

My own, ahem, scientifically gathered data on the matter had convinced me until recently that there had to be some sort of correlation between the side of the smaller breast and left/right-handedness. Which made sense after all: if you are going to use a side more, it could likely either build more muscle mass, or inversely hinder development ever so subtly.

I was very disappointed to find out this isn’t the accepted official explanation to this day: scientists seem to agree that body asymmetry is caused by prenatal “stressors”, such as consumption of tabacco, alcohol, crack or reality-TV.

I remain sceptical.

Not about reality-TV, mind you: reality-TV is most definitely harmful to any kind of semi-intelligent lifeform that get exposed to it. If anything, it’s been clearly proven to cause your left hemisphere to shrivel to microscopic levels while the right side slowly bleeds to death.

Perhaps of more concern to Jeremy and myself, is the fact that recent psychological studies point to a significant correlation between fluctuating asymmetry of the body and aggressive behaviours among male patients.

A team of searchers would have already been dispatched in the Japanese peninsula with mission to collect size samples of Godzilla footprints so as to validate this theory…

3 comments

  1. Back in college, I dated a woman whose left breast was significantly larger than her right. One night she asked me why I tended to favor the left side. Ever the gentleman, I replied, “Because it’s closer to your heart of course.”

  2. Surprising she would have never noticed (or even more so: that she would have noticed, but still failed to put two and two together 😉 ), but definitely an excuse I’ll keep in mind, should it ever come up in future conversations…

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