{"id":1344,"date":"2006-01-24T15:08:17","date_gmt":"2006-01-24T14:08:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/?p=1344"},"modified":"2006-01-26T12:37:49","modified_gmt":"2006-01-26T11:37:49","slug":"die-no-other-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/archives\/2006\/01\/24\/die-no-other-day\/","title":{"rendered":"Die No Other Day"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s official now:<\/p>\n<p>Years after losing its <i>Will-pay-$8-for-it<\/i> status, falling more recently from <i>Maybe-if-it&#8217;s-on-discount-at-Blockbluster&#8217;s<\/i> to <i>Might-download-it-one-day<\/i>, the James Bond franchise is now being downgraded to <i>If-the-only-other-inflight-movie-has-got-Adam-Sandler-in-it<\/i> status. Ranking any lower than that involves the use of torture or massive amounts of psychoactive substances as a mandatory condition for viewing.<\/p>\n<p>Let me list a few of the reasons, per my recent viewing of the latest two-hour long <a href=\"http:\/\/www.imdb.com\/title\/tt0246460\/\">necrophiliac gang-bang over Ian Flemming&#8217;s corpse<\/a> to date:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Perennial intro sequence. Appears Bond&#8230; riding the wave&#8230; on. a. <em>surfboard<\/em>. Do I need to go through the foot-long list of why this is wrong on so many levels? I can only expect the next movie will see him shooting villains from his skateboard in between two half-pipes.<\/em>\n<li>A few random series of explosions later, we get treated to, without a doubt, the worst massacre of a James Bond theme ever. Sung by a vocoder loosely assisted by Madonna&#8217;s flailing vocal cords, this song makes Tina Turner&#8217;s sub-Shirley Bassey performance a work of art by comparison.<\/li>\n<li>By then, the average viewer already wants to take his eyes out with a dull spoon. Mind you the movie hasn&#8217;t even begun yet.<\/li>\n<li>It is still unclear whether Madonna&#8217;s useless cameo, a few scenes later, was payment or retribution for her earlier vocal pummeling. Either way, she once again proves her uncanny ability to destroy celluloid and ruin scenes with a mere few seconds of her appearance on screen. I guess we should only be thankful the producers talked her out of doing the embarrassingly fake British accent she has instead been serving journalists ever since.<\/li>\n<li>On the stilted acting front, the battle is fierce, Halle Berry wins, but only by a thin margin.<\/li>\n<li>Concluding the paroxystic fight of your movie by any variation on the &#8220;die, bitch!&#8221; theme, uttered by the plucky hero\/heroin, is OK. <em>In the fucking 80&#8217;s<\/em>.<\/li>\n<li>Even accounting for mandatory Evil Genius&#8217; Factor of Unexplainable Stupidity (e.g.: spending 3 hours explaining one&#8217;s evil plot instead of just shooting the hero), tell me exactly why would one ever name his Grand Evil Project after <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Icarus_%28mythology%29\">the most widely known tale of Rise and Fall in recorded History<\/a>? Was &#8220;Project Miserable Failure&#8221; already taken?<\/li>\n<li>The naming and oh-so-unexpected failure of the Project, along with its 3-mile wide blinking billboard of a metaphor, should give an idea as to the level of subtlety injected in the story altogether.<\/li>\n<li>Another two or three episodes and the next movie in the franchise will be released as a mere adaptation of the eponymous videogame. Oh wait, it already is.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In other news, word is that the doomsday machine in next episode will be powered by the corpse of Ian Flemming, rotating at supersonic speed inside his grave.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s official now: Years after losing its Will-pay-$8-for-it status, falling more recently from Maybe-if-it&#8217;s-on-discount-at-Blockbluster&#8217;s to Might-download-it-one-day, the James Bond franchise is now being downgraded to If-the-only-other-inflight-movie-has-got-Adam-Sandler-in-it status. Ranking any lower than that involves the use of torture or massive amounts of psychoactive substances as a mandatory condition for viewing. Let me list a few of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":4,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1344","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-movies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1344"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1344"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1344"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unknowngenius.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1344"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}