The Riddle to End Them All

Today: a Game!

A real game. With winners, losers, gladiators, wild beasts and blood. Lots of blood!

OK. Perhaps no blood, to start with. But we are hard at work incorporating this element for further installments…

The Rules

Perhaps you noticed there was a strange air of déjà-dit to my last pre-logged post. In fact, one single person noticed it: I’m slightly disappointed in you, dear readers, I thought we were all playing at a higher plane, already… somewhere high above the clouds and the mass of the vulgar and the ignorant. Apparently not.

For the thick and obtuse, let me cut it out clear as crystal meth:

The previous entry (italicized introduction excepted) is entirely composed of lyrics stolen from miscellaneous musical pieces performed at some point during the past 2000 years or so.

Your mission, if you accept it, is to find which musical pieces were used. All fairly popular tracks. By “fairly popular”, I’d say most, if not all, proudly boast at least a Gold Record status…

Now, put back that Google where you found it: it won’t help you none (just try if you don’t believe me). It won’t help, because the pieces of this wonderful little riddle span over six (6) languages (in no particular order: Spanish, Greek, English, Italian, French and German). Translations were furthermore adapted a little, both to fit my fancy and preserve you from the all too tempting Google option.

That’s thirteen (13) fragments (only twelve tracks, as two fragments could be considered part of the same), covering quite a wide array of musical genres.

One last time for those who slept through: the riddle is HERE.

The Prize

Yes, there is a prize. No, I’m not kidding.

To the winner of this Herculean challenge, I will present with a bottle of extremely refined Japanese spirit, drawn from my personal collection, currently sitting in a corner of my Tokyo flat, where my recent experiments in hardcore sobriety have left it feeling dejected for many months now. Of guaranteed Japanese make, it might not necessarily be something as pedestrian as sake, but trust me when I say it will do wonders to impress those of your guests that wouldn’t already be blown away by your seemingly bottomless knowledge of music and languages.

The bottle will be handpicked and handed over, upon announcement of the winner, but no sooner than June the 20th (unable as I’ll be to regain access to my precious padlocked alcohol cabinet until then).

The prize will be hand-delivered to the winner. For winners not residing within a 200 mile radius of the localities I plan on visiting during the civil year 2005, the prize will be handmailed along with a complimentary signed photo of Dr Dave wearing, at your choice: 1) black speedo from the 2005 Summer catalog, 2) traditional Japanese loincloth underwear, or 3) lace undergarment with matching heels (other options possible for a small extra: please inquire within for details).

The winner will be the first person or group to communicate (through public comment or private email) the names of all musical pieces used (in correct order) along with the quoted lyrics in their original version. In case of a draw (unlikely, I say), victory will go to those providing the most approaching break down of the specific interpretations I used when composing this text.
If nobody has figured all of the pieces by July 1st, the prize will go to whoever has given the most advanced answer, the earliest in the game.

All rules subject to arbitration, interpretations, alterations and plain outright cheating, at the sole discretion of myself.

Before You Start

Make no mistake: this is an extraordinarily difficult riddle, only the bravest, most refined, nerdiest, most devoid of any sort of social life, among you dear readers, stand the slightest chance of ever making it past the first two or three lucky finds. In order to greatly improve your chances of success, a few pieces of advice:

  • Work in teams: let’s face it, unless you have a secret cheating weapon (in which case, think: karma), you will never even come close to figuring more than a half of these. Your chances will be exponentially higher if you team up with people of different cultures, language skills and musical tastes as your own. Preferably pick someone much smaller than you, so you can beat him up and steal the bottle, were you to eventually win the prize.
  • If you are a citizen of the United-States, you start with a serious handicap. Then again, you probably knew it by now. Llife won’t be easy for you, pretending to be Canadian might help, but barely. In an attempt to make things even, we have practically given you your first answer: it’s sitting in the comments of the game’s entry. From there, finding the song’s title and exact lyrics should be within reach of even the fiercest Dick Cheney fans among you.
  • Pick your strategy, consider publicly disclosing your findings as you go (and running the risk of helping your competitors) and thus secure your position ahead of the pack when the time to pick a winner will come. Feel free to trade, threaten, collaborate and otherwise brainstorm on all this, whether on this blog or on your own, the comment section of the game’s entry is all yours.
  • Being me may help you a lot in gathering the immense knowledge and culture essential to tackle an intellectual task of such prodigious depth. Failing that, you may want to consider bribery in all its forms (especially if you are a young reader with few inhibitions and the will to travel): I am a particularly vain and venal ilk of genius.
  • Low blows of all sorts and otherwise nasty behaviours toward your opponents are all highly encouraged. Just always remember to keep a smile on your face, you’re so much prettier like that.

I would wish you a good luck, but it wouldn’t do you much good here. Now go and get started!

5 comments

  1. What are you insinuating?
    I am sound as a freshly recorded 96 bit DAT.
    Rather than disparage the measure of my undertaking, you should be hard at work offering what you can for a solution… 😛

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